It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
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I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”