It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
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I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird