@jackmackenroth: It's saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
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@flashember: Wife: Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Me: Haha funny. [under the mattress] Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
@squirrel74wkgn: You know what sucks about Karaoke? Coworkers don't appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
@Mr_Kapowski: [firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn] [goose in the distance hears it] "Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly"
@retardedwriter: This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd "Shona baby"