It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
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And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
can’t believe I got front row seats
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.