It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
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I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids