It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
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Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I would move hell over six inches for you
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.