It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
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Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied