It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
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“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him