@sixthformpoet: It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
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@itshotterhere: Never trust someone who says you're more important than cheese. It's an obvious lie.
@TheNardvark: One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
@LeBearGirdle: *Good Will Hunting* Professor: are you the janitor who's been solving the math equations? me: [writing '80085' on every chalkboard] yes?
@BrainFumbles: Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?! Cop: Settle down sir Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions] Cop: ...