It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
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Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Probably my best painting.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.