It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
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[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Children of the corn 🌽
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
When you don’t understand how floors work
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.