@NurseKimaaa: It's so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren't already inside their house.
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@BillDixonish: If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.
@dlockw21: Cashier: Going snorkeling huh? Me: Yeah. Should be fun. Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes. Me: Hi, I'd like to return these.
@relatabledad: no actually it's called an "african-american" eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct