@NurseKimaaa: It's so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren't already inside their house.
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@Bob_Heller: Party Tip: At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
@Procaffinator: Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
@0hJuliette: Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
@Brianhopecomedy: My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I'm not buying it as I don't think she can even say, "Please kick me in the face".