Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
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“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My favorite farside!!
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start