When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
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When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
mechanics be like
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.