@globetrottgirl: It's so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.
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@jackiembouvier: [Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting] - New playground approved - All classes now held outside
@simoncholland: [Produce Aisle] Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave. *mouthful of like 20 grapes * "That lady took one too!!"
@Midlifecrisis18: Sex in your 40's: (Position change) * CRRRACK * Her: Was that me or you? Me: Just go with it, we'll assess injuries later.
@CherBear162: Did you hear that? What? DID YOU HEAR THAT? NOT "WHAT?"..WHAT!? What? *axe murderer kills both*