@globetrottgirl: It's so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.
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@Kyle_Lippert: Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying "If you keep making that face, it's going to get stuck that way" being true.
@Boo_berries_: Kidnapper: Pay up or I'll leak your nudes Me: So what? K: Then I'll tweet your drafts M: Ok don't do anything crazy we can work this out
@peetiesays: Diamond engagement rings are so last year. Ask for her hand in marriage by presenting her with a full tank of gas.
@EJGomez: if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90's kids just yell out "in west Philadelphia born & raised" then u got like 2 min to run