School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
my mom making me talk to relatives
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.