It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
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Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.