It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
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I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
When libraries troll their patrons.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN