It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
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Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
me and my fake scenarios
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?