It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
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Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.