It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
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Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.