It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
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I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait