It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
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I’m sure it’s fine.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends