It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
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There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees