@JessObsess: It's so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen] date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
@INDlAN_: *lost in China* Friend: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn F: well? Me: we’re in China
@VailshireCap: "Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?" "Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals."
@DurtMcHurtt: I'm walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I'm startin' to feel AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE