It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.