@JessObsess: It's so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
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@petemandik: [long ago] A: Ok, so let's mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it. B: Great idea. Write that down. A: Where?
@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU
@Inconsteveable: My New Year's resolutions: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.
@haleysfalling: so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i "need to put my hospital gown on the right way"