@JessObsess: It's so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
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@chrisdelia: I'm pitching a show called "Walking Dad" where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
@Donnie_Fairburn: [Pharrell eating at Arby's] "I want a new look" Like a new hair cut? "Something crazier" *notices the hat in the Arby's logo* "I've got it!"
@Brampersandon_: [texting gf] February 13th "I think we should spend some time apart" February 15th "Ok that was enough time"
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: I got us this new candle ME: sweet. What flavor is it? W: don't you mean 'what scent is it?' ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?