@Sean_Burgundy_: It's so frustrating when your hitman doesn't answer the phone after you've made amends with someone
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@prattprattpratt: If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
@ericsshadow: Interview: "What's your greatest weakness?" *I look at my watch then lean in* How much time do you have?
@Swishergirl24: No thanks Kentucky Derby. If I wanted to see a defenseless animal get beat into submission I'd just call my boss.
@XplodingUnicorn: [5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other] Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments? 5: You want me to sleep on the couch?