@Sean_Burgundy_: It's so frustrating when your hitman doesn't answer the phone after you've made amends with someone
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@Wanderlust6190: I'm gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I'm doing, just to even the score.
@SteveSuckington: [blind date] "I'm like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex" -did you just read that off your hand? "Hey! You're not blind!"
@SirEviscerate: Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me. *flips coin into ceiling fan, it's knocked out a window into the sea*
@Amburglar_: "Wow! Go show your mommy!" -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.