Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
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I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
me 2 months after i graduated
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.