@Sean_Burgundy_: It's so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house
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@Kalarlis: 007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, "The name's Bond, Hydrogen Bond." Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.
@robfee: Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.
@AverageCorners: 11: Did it rain last night? Me: No. 11: But it's so wet! Me: That's what she said. 11: What? Me: What?
@causticbob: I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way. I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.