My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
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“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack