The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
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If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes