Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
You Might Also Like
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
this country is so goddamn polarized
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.