It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
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I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
#SuperBowl
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar