It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Wait a second…
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.