It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Happy weekend !
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.