It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
The funk soul brother
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.