@jazmasta: It's spooky how many kids look like their owners.
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@ANNIEwayyyy: "Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn't be cows." ~me giving directions
@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: I was named after my grandfather. Me: Of course you were, he was born first.
@junejuly12: Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
@Brampersandon_: [Americas Got Talent] ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended* JUDGE (under his breath): how'd he do that