do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
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[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
This is always good for a laugh.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit