me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
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Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
concern
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on