@jwalkonthemoon: It's stupid that "girl" and "world" are rhymed together so much in songs when "squirrel" is right there for the taking.
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@rickygervais: The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
@FunkyFresh_79: [runs inside of a gas station] "I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT'S AN EMERGENCY!" *takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
@krissywillbretz: Since I'm wearing a white top, I'm going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
@geekysteven: "Why didn't any of you go back and kill Hitler?" TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935. "Who?" TT: Bingo