It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
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me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
and now we wait
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things