@trevso_electric: It's summer. We're young. Let's sneak into someone else's pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
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@MyPornKhan: When folks unfollow me shortly after they've followed me I just figure they sobered up.
@myles_morrison: Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I said "Hell no. I don't want to have to spend my weekends bothering people at home."
@KtotheK39: Divorce lawyers all over the world are rubbing their hands together in glee now that Twitter DM has a picture function.
@Anon_imosity: [walks into bookstore] Me: do you have any books on turtles? Worker: Hard back? Me: Yeah, with little heads.