It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.