“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
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I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”