@TheTweetOfGod: "It's summer! Yay! No more school shootings!" - American children.
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@joshcomers: Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.
@Reverend_Scott: Strangers are friends you haven't met yet. Friends are lovers you haven't kissed yet. Lovers are corpses you haven't killed yet.
@iwearaonesie: "Oh man, that thing looks irritated" - me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
@Shock_Monster: Me: That the new iPhone? Him: Yup! The 5S! Me: What's the difference? Him: The C stands for "Cheap" Me: What about the S? Him: "'Spensive"