“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
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“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .