It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
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Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Smells like a challenge to me