It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
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Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
🤣🤣💀
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!