It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
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Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
congratulations to them
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.