It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
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I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Feels
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.