It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
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Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say