It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.