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@Mardigroan: It's the eye of the tiger.
It's the spleen of a sheep.
@_troyjohnson: Children grow an average of 2.5 inches a year. All of that growth happens in the 24 hours after you buy them new clothes.
@pattioshankable: I've discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out "TWINSIES!"
@AndyAsAdjective: [at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
But you didn't let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
@TheBoydP: Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts...
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I'm supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?