It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
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I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
The Sun
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!