It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
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Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Somebody call the cops.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.