It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
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I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Van Gone
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
That’s no pocket rocket.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.