“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
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Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.