It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
rapatouille
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no