God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
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Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.