It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
You Might Also Like
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
No Google it does not
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.